Why Am I Not Happy?

So I turn 20 in almost a month. That's weird... I'm gonna be two decades old, come January 10, 2010. In my first 19 years of life I have experienced a whole bunch...good, bad, the ugly, the pretty (everyone always fails to mention "the pretty") and everything in between. I don't know if there's a such thing as a quarter life crisis, but it think that's where I'm at right about now. I'm going to Europe right after my 20th birthday. I'm in a good college with a good GPA. I've accomplished several personal goals over the last year (learn to play guitar, lose weight, get a 3.0 or better freshman year). So why the fuck am I not content? Why am I not happy right now? Well I just listed the positives of my life over the past year. Here are some of the present negatives: It's finals week, and I'm having trouble making time to study. I'm a bit of a perfectionist, so I set some steep goals for myself this semester that odds are I won't meet (3.5 GPA or higher, Rubes' Weight Loss Challenge). I mean not to say that those goals are unrealistic, because they ARE realistic, or at least they WERE when I set them, but because of me being a slacker, they're unrealistic now. Well, I can still get a 3.5 or close to a 3.5 if I absolutely ace every final. But there's no guarantee and not a high probability of that. And I wanted to weigh 160 pounds by this time, or at least be in shape if not that. I actually gained about 10 pounds since September, and 15 since April =(((.

While I'm on the subject, here's my weight trajectory. I was a really fat baby. If I had the pic available of me as a baby I would show you, but I don't. But by the time i was a toddler I was skinny, and was skinny from ages 2 to 16. Then when i was 16 I gained a ton of weight in a very short time - about 50 pounds in a little over half a year. I know, nuts. I went from about 135 pounds to 185. From 16 to 18 i kept gradually gaining weight until i peaked at 206 pounds. I had enough of being fat, so when i was 18 in my freshman year of college I started exercising and stopped eating fast food, and I lost 35 pounds over the school year. By April of '09 i weighed 170, my lowest weight in years. BUT this summer and fall I gained about 15 pounds or so, bringing me up to 185 as of today. I go to the gym sporadically. I should have made it a habit, I would have been fine, but now I dug myself into a deeper whole, so to speak. My worst nightmare is to undo the work I put in last year, so I definitely am concerned about my weight.

Anyways... I'm not content with where I am right now, for reasons I mentioned earlier. I think come Christmas time I'll be content, depending on how good my grades are this semester and how I'm doing weight-wise.

So the Eurosemester is on the horizon, and I'm pretty psyched for it. I'm gonna be rooming with my cousin, that's gonna be a lot of fun.

I'm in the new building on campus, the D'Angelo Center. It's pretty awesome... they have a big lounge on the ground floor with a study area and a place just to sit around and chill, with a fireplace and a piano. Upstairs they have a Starbucks, more tables to sit at, state of the art classrooms, and a great view. Downstairs they have a brand new cafeteria with many different types of food, as well as a game room.

Got about 10 more minutes to write.... I'm writing a new song. I have the whole musical arrangement down, but no words yet. It's way different from the other songs I wrote. My previous songs are mostly love ballads or pop songs, and usually sound better acoustically. This one, however, has a grunge-like, hard rock sound, and sounds better electric. This would be my 7th song. I was working on one before this, but production of that one kinda stalled. I have a few more minutes before my study partner comes, but I think I'll end it here. See you guys another time.